Once there was a bunny. This bunny had a birthday party. It was the bestest birthday party ever. Because that was the day the bunny got a bazooka.
The bunny loved his bazooka. He blew up all sorts of things on the farm. He blew up the stable of Henrietta the Horse. He blew up the pen of Pugsly the Pig. He blew up the coop of Chuck the Chicken.
“I have the bestest bazooka ever,” the bunny said. Then the farm friends proceeded to beat him senseless and steal his bazooka. It was the happiest day of his life.
The end.
Epilogue: Pugsly the Pig, now without a pen, was quite annoyed. When none of the others were looking, he stole the bazooka. He tied a bandana on his head and swore vengeance for what had been done to him.
“From this day on,” he whispered, raising the bazooka, “I shall be known as Hambo.
Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians introduced us to the world, now in Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener’s Bones we actually get to live in it! A bit. Sort of.
(Hushlanders, it might be noted, aren’t very imaginative with their idioms. Personally, I say, “Out of the frying pan and into the deadly pit filled with sharks who are wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them.” However, that one’s having a rough time catching on.)
Essentially, the entire book is an adventure where Alcatraz and co (Bastille, but also newcomers Australia1 and Kaz) are on a mission to mention a recently missing Grandpa Smedry. One thing leads to another, they end up in the Library of Alexandria–which got totally Tardis’ed–and discover all sorts of spooky ghosts, ancient scrolls, hidden messages, … and more.
Not all librarians are evil cultists. Some librarians are instead vengeful undead who want to suck your soul.
It’s a lot of fun seeing Alcatraz closer to ‘his own’ world, discovering it ever as much as us. And even more fun seeing him actually grow as an Oculator and as a leader. I do still most enjoy his back and forth with Bastille. She’s already done a lot more of the growing, but I fully expect she’s got a lot of room there too.
Oh. And in case you were wondering if his sense of humor has improved/changed at all?
I’d gone on such a rampage that I would have made the proverbial bull in the proverbial china shop look unproverbially good by proverbial comparison. (Personally, I don’t even know how he’d fit through the door. Proverbially.)
😄
Newcomers Kaz and Australia are an interesting look into more of the diverse Smedry lines, although I do miss Siong and Quentin. Kaz’s constant comments about his shortness (he’s a little person2) are interesting, but get a bit old. He has an entirely list of why it’s better to be shorter, but that’s… about it? I could have used a bit more of both of them.
Probably the best and worst part about the book is how absolutely loaded with meta-commentary it is. It’s even worse than the first, and that’s saying something. Every chapter starts with some comment about writing or fantasy books etc. They’re hilarious, but it’s … not my favorite style? My co-reader/listener on this particular series enjoys them though, so that’s what matters.
Writers—particularly storytellers like myself—write about people. That is ironic, since we actually know nothing about them. Think about it. Why does someone become a writer? Is it because they like people? Of course not. Why else would we seek out a job where we get to spend all day, every day, cooped up in our basement with no company besides paper, a pencil, and our imaginary friends? Writers hate people. If you’ve ever met a writer, you know that they’re generally awkward, slovenly individuals who live beneath stairwells, hiss at those who pass, and forget to bathe for weeklong periods. And those are the socially competent ones.
Well.
Adults are not idiots.
Often, in books such as this one, the opposite impression is given. Adults in these stories will either (a) get captured, (b) disappear conspicuously when there is trouble, or (c) refuse to help.
(I’m not sure what authors have against adults, but everyone seems to hate them to an extent usually reserved for dogs and mothers. Why else make them out to be such idiots? “ Ah, look, the dark lord of evil has come to attack the castle! Annnnd, there’s my lunch break. Have fun saving the world on your own, kids! “)
In the real world, adults tend to get involved in everything, whether you want them to or not. They won’t disappear when the dark lord appears, though they may try to sue him. This discrepancy is yet another proof that most books are fantasies while this book is utterly true and invaluable. You see, in this book, I will make it completely clear that all adults are not idiots.
They are, however, hairy.
😄
Onward!
Aside:
“Rocky Mountain oysters!” Kaz swore in shock, though the pit opened a few feet away from him. I caught one last glimpse of his panicked face as I tumbled into the hole.
Well played Sanderson.
Or you could be a serial killer who specializes in reading books, then seeking out the authors and murdering them in horrible ways. (If you happen to fall into that last category, you should know that my name isn’t really Alcatraz Smedry, nor is it Brandon Sanderson. My name is in fact Garth Nix, and you can find me in Australia. Oh, and I insulted your mother once. What’re you going to do about it, huh?)
Double well played Garth Nix.